It’s been two days since the last time we talked, two days since i decided well, what the heck maybe it is time, time to for me to live my life again. And i know it’s a crazy notion to believe that this simple thing could be the hardest decision that I’ve had to make twice.
See the last time, i decided to live, life handed me you and now I’m ready to give back life to the world. From the very first day I met you, I didn’t want to be with you and I’m not being subtle or selling an understatement I genuinely never wanted to be with you because you were always aloof, standing outside the world looking in and judging and me I was always immersed in the world, I loved to love and see and feel and all that was never enough for me because I never knew love and I could never picture it.
You asked me often why I dated him and to be honest when he asked I figured why not. I had nothing at all to lose, and I didn’t, cause i could run away from home, risk not eating, steal, cheat, lie and never ever once care because I was always chasing that feeling that something was truly worth caring for.
And here is the irony in all this and why I’m starting to write this now because two days ago I was sitting on the cold porcelain in the bathroom playing a racing game to pass the time, praying and waiting to find out whether I was carrying your ba or not. And i looked at your contact and I wanted to type a thousand times, wanted to call, to hear your voice but the thing is I remembered you weren’t mine anymore and you hadn’t been for the longest time and that hurt but for some reason it also didn’t matter to me I’m that moment because in a few seconds I knew everything was going to change either we were going to have to grow up and become parents or I was about to grow up and become me.
The truth is, knowing that ba was yours brought me so much peace because if i was carrying someone’s ba and god the idea of being a mother scares me more than anything. I knew in my heart that I would always want it to be yours and later that day when your friend stood in front of me speaking, shattering my world into a thousand pieces, i lost my ability to breathe again.
Did you or didn’t you cheat?
I guess i will never honestly know because the reason i was asking wasn’t because i wanted to fight or because i wanted to blame you but because i wanted to understand. For that whole day I was lying in my bed calling your number over and over even though I knew I’d get the same result, I was forgiving you with every single second. Not because i hoped we could stay together, i can’t do it not right now, i honestly need some space and time to heal but because i remembered once when you told me “I know you say, you would forgive me when I cheat and I honestly don’t think you would.”
And i remembered holding your hand as I whispered, “honestly, I don’t know.”
And it was in that moment when I understood, when you answered the phone and you were angry. You expected me to shout, i could hear the way you were poised for a fight but i was tired, I had, had my world erupt in so many different ways for the past few months that i just couldn’t do it anymore i couldn’t fight and finally for the first time religion began to make sense to me.
See when he punched me, some people guys mostly told me to forgive him, said that people made mistakes and I knew my best friend had done that forgiven a guy who raised his hand to her face forgiven him as he knelt on the ground crying, begging for forgiveness and at the time i didn’t understand, why would you forgive someone like that, I’m a feminist and i could never have respected myself if i forgave him but honestly it wasn’t just that he hit me.
It’s that i didn’t love him, not in the real way, not even near, hell i was hungry for attention and he was a master at providing it, making you feel like he needed you, like he was giving up a lot to be with you, when in fact you’re the one who kept giving.
But see my friend she loved her boyfriend, sometimes even more than life itself and I always judged his wrongs more strongly than anyone else because i wanted the best for her, the perfect nonexistent guy but she was happy with his imperfections, she loved him in the bad and the good and even during the days that she lay there crying tears for him.
And that’s the pain I felt the past few months, knowing at some point I had to let go, that my love would never be enough to fill the hole in your heart where love for yourself was meant to be, because despite how hard the world was on you, you were hardest on yourself. And that’s why when you wanted a fighting match all I could say truly say was I forgave you because I did and its stupid and its crazy but in the past few days I’ve realized it wasn’t hard for me to choose to live anymore but it was hard for me to choose to live without you.
See the only way i know to explain this is through God. I’ve never been able to forgive everyone else completely because I never could love anyone else completely. Love the real them, so I was constantly chasing perfection in them, perfection that doesn’t exist but with you, i loved you even when i was mad or angry or sad or happy. And even now that’s the one thing i know that’s true so that night I wasn’t thinking he cheated, i mean i was but i was also thinking of how i didn’t want to hurt you and i didn’t want you to live with that guilt.
And that’s when this Jesus thing started to make sense to me, now don’t get me wrong this isn’t a preaching or some teaching I’m trying to get you to buy into because I’m far from ever calling myself Christian but he was the true example of love. This society we’ve forgotten what it looks like to love, one another so we look for perfect dates and romance or riches but Jesus see he died because God could forgive, forgive you a thousand times because you are human, and I’m human and that’s the only universal truth we’ve ever truly had.
We will never be perfect and love is all about imperfection. So the reason I started falling for you was because you were the only person who ever fought to have me call you my friend.
I was giving one my life is lonely rants and you literally looked me in the eyes and said, “I’ll be very offended if you don’t consider me a friend, especially when I consider you my best friend.”
And i laughed, i always laugh when I’m around you, see before that moment i didn’t think we were best friends but from that moment i held on to it and even now although i don’t think we are able going to talk for a while, you are my best friend and you are a part of me that I’m not trying to lose and this story begins were our ends because ‘everybody’s had this happen one time or another when you need someone to set your set heart free.’ And you set me free, and now I can find myself, I found who i was with you but we also got so mushed up in there, i think we were beginning to lose who were without each other and so here is my hope and prayer that when you’re done finding you and I’m done finding me then maybe we will be able to find each other again.
True love waits…